


Less Than Half a Millimeter

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Anxiety, Coming of Age, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Public Sex, Romance, Summer Romance, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 13:41:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9184018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Sometimes the difference between what we want and what we fear is about the width of an eyelash." Jay McInerney





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone except the story.
> 
> Crossposted on LJ as part of the SNCJ Secret Santa fic exchange. Also crossposted on AFF.

The boy standing next to Sehun is tanned brown, obviously well-loved by the sun, and unbearably good-looking. Jongdae looks down at the pale whiteness of his hands and wonders if he'd be tan too, if he didn't spend the majority of every year back East with his mom and instead lived here, on the island, with his father. And with Sehun.

Sehun who is as pale as Jongdae and always has been, despite spending his whole life on Oahu. Sehun who's house has been next door to Jongdae's dad's for as long as Jongdae can remember. Sehun who is at the airport to greet Jongdae but has an arm around the tan stranger and doesn't notice Jongdae's arrival until Jongdae's literally standing right in front of him.

Theirs is a no strings attached, what happens in Honolulu stays in Honolulu sort of arrangement, so Jongdae steels himself for the declaration that this is Sehun's boyfriend, someone he'd met the previous year and chosen to date for real, instead of just sleeping around with Jongdae in the summer time. Jongdae himself leaves behind the perfect girlfriend to come to Hawaii every year, so supposes he can't fault Sehun for finding someone brave enough to date him out in the open.

Only the words Jongdae's expecting never come and instead Jongdae's introduced to "Jongin, my cousin from Seoul," who smiles at him shyly and shakes his hand when Sehun laughs and nudges his cousin forward.

"Hello," Jongin greets, his English awkward and heavily accented.

"It's nice to meet you," Jongdae replies in stilted Korean that feels weird to speak aloud to anyone who isn't his mom, his grandmother, or his teacher at Korean school. Nevertheless, he's rewarded with a brilliant smile and Jongin instantly starts chattering, asking about Jongdae's trip and calling him Hyung.

Jongdae finds himself instantly charmed; Sehun notices and spends the whole drive home grumbling about Jongdae liking his cousin more than him.

Laughing, Jongdae assures Sehun that's not the case, and later, once Jongin's been dropped off at the English study program he's actually visiting for, Jongdae wastes no time in showing Sehun how very much he likes him.

And Jongdae really does like Sehun. The boy's been the highlight of every one of Jongdae's summers since he was fourteen and, wondering if he really did like boys better, had kissed Sehun square on the mouth just to be sure. Before that moment Sehun had existed, of course, but that was also the summer Sehun had grown into himself and suddenly Jongdae had noticed.

"He was so scrawny and annoying when we were kids," Jongdae teases later, regaling an eagerly curious Jongin with tales of his cousin's childhood in America. They're at the beach and Jongdae looks out toward the ocean as he laughs, pretending bitterness. "I used to think I'd be the taller one, believe it or not."

Evidently Jongin and Sehun find this admission immensely hilarious because Jongin breaks into high-pitched cackling and Sehun starts guffawing that cross between a growl and a snort he only allows himself when he's feeling completely comfortable. Jongdae likes to call it Sehun's baby dinosaur laugh; Sehun likes to reply "Pot, meet Kettle," and flicks Jongdae on the forehead whenever he tries to be scary and roars.

"That's not the most attractive sound I've heard you make," Jongin comments, once they've all stopped laughing and regained their breath.

Sehun throws a handful of sand at his cousin, moans loudly and lewdly as if on cue, and asks smugly, "How's that?"

The sheer familiarity of the sound has Jongdae hard in his swim trunks and he readjusts his dick as inconspicuously as he can while Jongin, totally grossed out, makes a face and gets up abruptly, heading for the snack shack a little ways down the beach.

"This is a family friendly beach, Hunnie," Jongdae chides after Jongin's gone. "Save the hot stuff for later, would you?"

But they've got a penchant for doing things together that might get them in trouble, and a sordid history of having sex where they really shouldn't, so it's not long before Sehun's got Jongdae on his back behind a dune, wondering why Sehun's taking so long to just fuck him already and whining about sand being in all sorts of places it shouldn't.

"You—oh," Jongdae's complaints are cut short as Sehun thrusts in, finally, and nips at his chin. "Owe me for this," he manages to finish his sentence in between heavy breaths and Sehun's steady rhythm.

Sehun moves his lips to Jongdae's mouth and kisses him playfully, all the while maintaining an almost painfully slow pace.

"I'll let you fuck me wherever you like," Sehun concedes before he loses his breath against Jongdae's neck and starts moving faster, snapping his hips.

It's not long before they're both finished—Sehun first and Jongdae soon after—and Jongin, noting the sticky crust of sand along Jongdae's back and thighs, delights in teasing that they've given new meaning to the word "quickie."

"I barely gone ten minutes," he remarks admiringly as they bike home, Jongdae resting precariously on Sehun's handlebars. "A pair of delinquents, you two are."

Jongin doesn't even know the half of it. Jongdae smirks to himself as he recalls a few of his and Sehun's more memorable summer misadventures. There'd been that one time, back when they were both 16, when they'd made a pact to christen the threshold of every new house being built in the complex where the old neighborhood playground used to be.

"Our own revolution," Jongdae had said. Sehun had picked up smoking that summer too and Jongdae wanted to be just as badass.

"Sticking it to The Man," Sehun had agreed, picking Jongdae up and settling him atop the half-finished island in the kitchen of the last house on their hit list.

There was the summer, too, when they were still young and eagerly expiring each other's bodies, learning what their lover liked and disliked. They'd found a gay Kama sutra in the back shelves of a local bookstore and had snuck into the stock room to try a few positions out for themselves. When Jongdae came back the next summer he'd laughed at finding the book hidden in the top drawer of Sehun's bedside table and had to hide his pleasure when Sehun blushingly admitted he'd not tried any of them out with anyone else.

"They don't work for girls," he'd muttered shyly. "And I'm not—I'm not interested."

Then, at 14, Jongdae had thought that maybe he wasn't interested in anyone who wasn't Sehun. Now, at 18 and in their last shared summer before college, Jongdae is absolutely sure.

He's yanked from his recollections when Sehun stops the bike abruptly, accidentally tossing Jongdae to the ground. Jongdae yelps at the sudden pain and milks Sehun's apologies for all they're worth once it's discovered that Jongdae's got scrapes on his palms and elbows.

"I take back my delinquency comment," Jongdae remarks snidely as Sehun hovers over Jongdae, who's still seated on the blacktop. "You," he lifts his hands from the handlebar of the bike he's borrowed and points at Jongdae. "You're a wimp." Jongdae sticks out his tongue and Jongin continues.

"And you," he shifts his attention to Sehun, "you're whipped."

Jongdae swears he doesn't grin when Sehun doesn't deny Jongin's statement. He also definitely doesn't remind Sehun of it later when they're moving together under the ninja turtle sheets of Sehun's childhood bed. (Just kidding—he totally does.)

"I've got you whipped, huh?" He asks, voice husky and whispered into Sehun's ear. There's no doubt Sehun's parents know what they get up to during sleepovers, but Jongdae's not trying to wake anyone up if he doesn't have to.

Sehun releases a keening whine that has Jongdae shuddering with want above him as Sehun nods frantically in agreement.

"Only yours," he pants helplessly, squirming under Jongdae and lifting his hips to try and bring their bodies closer.

"But only in the summers," Jongdae voices this painful truth to Jongin the next morning as they sit side-by-side in the air conditioned living room of Jongdae’s dad’s house and wait for Sehun to finish his smoke.

Jongin pats Jongdae's hand sympathetically. He's already told Jongdae to confess and doesn't have much other advice to offer except for that, especially when Jongdae’s unwilling to come out to his mom back home. Jongdae accepts the comfort with a sigh, twisting a little so he can lean his head on Jongin’s shoulder. When Sehun comes back inside, smelling, like always, of cigarette smoke and salty ocean air, he finds them cuddled together and sound asleep.

Jongdae’s still sleeping when his phone goes off, the shrillness of the specialty ringtone indicating that the caller is his mother. He sits up, still groggy, and mistakenly greets her in English instead of Korean with honorifics, like he knows she expects. Twenty minutes and a number of apologies later, Jongdae hangs up the phone with a sigh, utterly exhausted despite his long nap.

“I get it now,” Jongin, who’d woken up sometime while Jongdae was being chastised and heard a lot of the mostly one-sided conversation, murmured quietly. “Why you act out with Sehun when you’re here. And why you’re so afraid.”

Jongdae’s best friend back home, Byun Baekhyun, had said something eerily similar right before Jongdae left. A week ago Jongdae had been able to ignore him; today Jongin’s echoing words send Jongdae running.

He grabs the nearest bike from where he, Sehun, and Jongin had left them strewn about the front lawn, and pedals without thinking, eventually ending up at the housing complex, now a few years old, where he and Sehun had so enjoyed themselves a few summers prior.

It’s strange being back here, the now-finished houses glowing familiarly in the shadow of the late afternoon sun and the view of the water unchanged from when this plot of land still held the playground where Jongdae and Sehun spent so much time as kids. Jongdae finds himself wishing that things were still that simple, but he’s 18 now and a rising freshman in college, and it’s time for him to decide what he wants.

Actually, no. Jongdae knows what he wants. He wants to withdraw his acceptance from MIT for computer science and instead enroll at the University of Hawaii to get his teaching degree. He wants to break up with Taeyeon and just let Baekhyun have her.

He wants Sehun. Not just in the summers but all the time and everywhere.

The problem, then, isn’t that Jongdae doesn’t know what he wants. The problem is that what Jongdae wants is impossible, and he knows it. Baekhyun and Jongin are exactly right to point out that Jongdae is afraid, and that he acts out because of it. There’s a thrill in sleeping around with a boy who smokes illegally and doesn’t care if they get caught. The point of sex in public spaces is that no one has to know, and Jongdae, the product of an overbearing mother and a mostly absent father, cares far too much and hides behind .

Sehun eventually finds him, right as the sun is going down over the far edge of the sea, and, as he pulls Jongdae into his arms and kisses him almost desperately, Jongdae swears to himself that he has to end this thing they’ve got going on, whatever it is.

He lets Sehun unzip his hoodie, and allows Sehun to lift his arms above his head as he then removes Jongdae’s shirt. Shivering in the cooling night air Jongdae shifts closer to bask in Sehun’s body heat and it seems to him that, in the darkness, Sehun’s pale skin practically glows. Jongdae’s hit, suddenly, with the memory of when he first saw Jongin, the boy’s tanned skin similarly glowing in the light of the open sun, and he thinks that is somehow appropriate for Sehun to shine most brightly when they’re hidden in plain sight and Jongdae’s the only one around.

Jongdae looks down at the pale whiteness of his own hands where they rest on Sehun’s slim waist. He wonders if Sehun sees him the same way.

Sehun kisses him again and Jongdae decides that maybe it’s okay to have what he wants right now, tonight, if it’s going to be over tomorrow. The sun will rise and Jongdae will go back to Boston; Jongin will finish up his summer program and return for one more year of high school in Seoul; Sehun will stay on Oahu, always smelling like a mix of smoke and salt, and never getting tan.


End file.
